My wife, Shannon, has been out of town for the last several days visiting friends in California. She’s having a great time and the boys and I are surviving just fine. But my days are a little… “off”.
Nothing is wrong, and yet everything is slightly sideways. The woman I’m so familiar with isn’t near by. Her presence is missed. Things aren’t quite as familiar or “normal”. Part of me is missing, like my left arm has been cut off.
This is a result of “We-ness” or Oneness. Somehere in the last 23 years of marriage I very intentionally gave up my single identity and adopted a “we” identity. Most every decision during my day-to-day takes my wife into consideration. When and where I go. What I do. Who I do things with. How much I spend on things. Why I do things.
“You Want Me To Do What?”
In my counseling office I see a lot of husband’s and wives have a strong resistance to the concept of Oneness. They have bought into the marriage-defeating belief that a man and a woman need to maintain their own independence and freedom while still trying to be in an intimate relationship with another human being. That’s like trying to go swimming without getting wet. You cannot make decisions that truly benefit your marriage when you’re looking out solely for your own interests and protection.
Now I get it. It’s incredibly vulnerable and trust-intensive to bond to another human being. It’s unpopular now-a-days to suggest you do anything that requires that you give up anything of yourself. What happens when they screw up? What happens if they decide to take off or be selfish or don’t know how to initiate true intimacy? What happens if you end up stuck with someone that doesn’t make you happy anymore? Shouldn’t you hedge your bets and have a fallback plan?
Remaining independent is understandable, but it’s also toxic. It’s what gets in the way of fully jumping in and giving your relationship everything you’ve got.
The best marriages have a “burn the boats”, point-of-no-return mentality. They’ve made peace with the fact that choosing to wed another flawed human being will cost them something and permanently change them. They understand that they will never be the same, and they’re okay with that.
It’s Not As Scary As It Sounds
When two people commit to selflessly help their spouse become a better human being, instead of running out of energy, they continually refuel and refresh each other. It becomes an emotional perpetual motion machine—you both end up getting more out of the relationship than you put in. Yes, It does take a little extra getting the wheels turning in the first place, and most people will think you’re crazy or foolish for not having an exit strategy, but “if you want to have unconventional success, you cannot follow conventional wisdom.”
There is no doubt that I am a much better man because of my wife. Choosing to give up my “me-ness” has been life-giving and one of the best things I could have ever done.
I am glad she will be home tomorrow. It will be nice to have the better-half of myself back in the same zip code.