Back in 2013, I saw an interview with Brittany Gibbons on one of the national morning talk shows. She’s not a movie star or politician or celebrity of any kind, but she got her fifteen minutes of fame for one simple reason—she decided to have sex with her husband everyday for one solid year and then post about the experience.

As a couples counselor, I know lots of husband’s who’d elbow their wife, point at Gibbons and say, “Why can’t you decided to try that experiment with me?”

For husbands coming into my office, not having enough sex is probably at the top of the complaint list. Some men become so obsessed by their lack of intimacy, they resort to tracking how many days it’s been since their last sexual experience and use that as ammunition against their wife during their next fight.

Who Should Go First?

If sexual intimacy is a primary need for most men, and emotional intimacy is a primary need for most women, why is it that a large majority of men expect their wives to “put out” while never “initiating” emotionally with their woman?

Unfortunately, reality is, there is a large number of relationally immature men who have never understood or been taught the importance of continually pursuing their wife’s heart days, weeks, months, years, and decades after the wedding.

Men, instead of constantly saying, “What about me?”, when’s the last time you intentionally sat down with your wife and asked her about her hopes and dreams? How often do you notice her emotional state, stop what you’re doing, and process through her feelings with her? How many times in the last month have you asked yourself, “Is there anything else I can be doing to create a deeper connection with my wife?”

Gentlemen, it’s time to change your focus. Gibbons got people’s attention because she intentionally sought out ways to meet her spouse’s needs first while working through a few issues of her own. That was such a novel concept, she got invited onto national television to talk about it. But that is old school. And it shouldn’t be for just the ladies.

The 30×30 Challenge

Are you willing to flip the Brittany Gibbons experiment around? Are you willing to say:

“Instead of focusing on my sexual fulfillment, I will focus on fulfilling my wife’s emotional needs first. Because I want my wife to feel pursued, understood, and appreciated for who she is, I will initiate meaningful, emotionally significant conversations with her for thirty minutes every day for the next thirty days with zero expectation, requests, or active pursuit of sexual intimacy of any kind.”

Thirty minutes for thirty days of meaningful talk with your wife. That’s it.

Total emotional talking time = 15 hours out of 720 hours in the month.

That’s just .02% of your month.

Because I’ve heard the stories first hand, there are some of you that haven’t spent 15 hours in the last five years combined emotionally connecting with your wife. And yet you want her to be interested in you sexually? I hate to be the guy who says it, but there might be a problem with your expectations and not your wife.

The Number One Way To Screw Up This Challenge (and maybe your marriage)

If you expect your wife to have more sex with you because you decided to do this challenge, you’re doomed.

Women have an uncanny awareness of ulterior motives. They can sense when there is a quid pro quo arrangement happening and they will quickly put on the brakes. They will feel deeply hurt because you’ve used something that is important and precious to them to get your own selfish needs met… again.

When you do this challenge, the focus is to make sure your wife has a positive experience. Period. That’s it. That’s selflessness at it’s finest.

And yes… it may take some time for your wife to trust your sincerity. That’s normal—especially if it’s been years since you’ve placed any focus or awareness on her emotional needs. She’s going to be skeptical. Keep doing the challenge. After experiencing your consistency for a prolonged period of time, chances are, she will soften.

Man Up And Challenge Each Other

When you decide to do The 30×30 Challenge, call, text, or Facebook your buddies and challenge them to man up and do the same. You’ll have a much greater chance at being successful at The Challenge and a good reason to trash talk each other for a month.

Your Wife Is Worth It

I know, deep down, you want your wife to feel happy, fulfilled, and secure in your relationship. I also know most of you have never been taught how to make that happen. The 30×30 Challenge is the first step.

It takes effort to meet the needs of your wife. Take the energy you’ve devoted to your job, your sports, and your hobbies, and let your wife experience the joy of becoming front and center in your life once again. Not only will it fulfill her, you’ll find out that you can become fulfilled as well—even without having more sex.

Remember, you chose her for a reason. This is your chance to remind her why.