When you’ve been hurt by your spouse for long time, it is genuinely difficult to move into a place where you can believe that they can actually change. Yet, if you’re going to work on your relationship, if you want it to get better, if you don’t get this issue of doubt checked within yourself, it doesn’t matter what good things your spouse is going to do, it will still never be enough.

Why You May Miss 50% Of The Good Things From Your Spouse

John Gottman, a romance researcher up in Seattle, did a research study with couples, watching how they interacted with each other when one person (let’s say the husband) had a pre-existing negative belief about the other person (his wife). In the experiment, they had this couple engage in an interaction where they had to address some sort of conflict. As the couple discussed the issue, a group of researchers were watching the couple through a two-way mirror counting how many good things the wife did for the husband. After the experiment, the husband was asked how many nice things the wife did for him during the exchange. The husband counted 4 or 5 times, where the observing researchers counted 15 – 17 times of positive regard.

What the experiment showed was, when you already have a negative belief about your spouse, you literally miss over half of the good things that they actually do for you. It’s like a cancer in your relationship. It prevents you from being able to progress in your relationship no matter what you’re doing to try and help it, whether that’s counseling, or classes, or reading, or whatever.

The Three Stages of Doubt

Because you’ve been hurt for a long time, you’re going to go through three primary stages of doubt. (Quick note… These stages of doubt aren’t my original idea, but I can’t remember who originally put these thoughts together. As soon as I find out, I’ll make sure to update this post. If you happen to know who it is, leave a comment below).

First is the Doubt of Sincerity. You hear your spouse when they say they want to change, but you doubt that they actually mean it. Your trust has been broken and you’re not sure you can believe them. You doubt that they want to change because it’s the right thing to do and they’re motivated by things like trying to get things back to normal or avoiding conflict or just getting past the current situation. You may also doubt the sincerity of the relationship. You’re not sure if the relationship can survive or if you even want it to survive.

After a while, and after watching them for a season, you realize that they actually DO want to change—that they are sincere—but then you’re not sure if they CAN change. This is the second stage called The Doubt of Ability. Wanting to change is one thing, being ABLE to change is a whole different ball game. So you watch them seeing if they actually can do what they say they’re going to do. Again, because trust has been so badly broken, you are highly skeptical.

Finally after they prove they WANT to change and that they actually CAN make some changes, you move into the third stage of doubt called the Doubt of Durability. This is where you doubt that their desire or their new-found skill will be able to be maintained for any significant length of time. You tell yourself, “Sure, they can fake it for a little while, but I’m not sure they’ve really changed permanently.”

These stages of doubt are normal, especially after being hurt. But the doubt is rooted in YOU. It is not something your spouse can control. You have to look at yourself and the messages you’re telling about your partner and determine if those stories are actually true or not. These cancerous messages can get in the way of bring real resolution and restitution to a hurting relationship.

Overcoming doubt can be scary. You don’t want to put yourself into a vulnerable place again or risk getting hurt once more. But without the softening within you, you will remain in a wounded, hurt place for far too long.

What To Do Now

When you realize you’re in any one of the Stages of Doubt, you have to call it out… out loud. Talk to a friend, a counselor, even your spouse. Get it out of your head. Stop the accusations from running rampantly and deal with the reality of the situation.

By getting it out of your head, you’ll have many more resources to draw from making the possibility of having a happy relationship much greater.